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Tuesday, September 30, 2014

When Brokenness Leads to Something Beautiful

There are times in life when I confuse things in my life falling apart with me being broken. God tells me a different story. 
“When things fall apart, the broken pieces allow all sorts of things to enter, and one of them is the presence of God.” -Shauna Niequist
Blog silences usually equate to something going on in my life--how easy is it for us to get caught up in what's going on in our own lives that we forget there's a big world out there that keeps spinning, even when our world has stopped. That's where my head has been lately--out of touch and out of sorts. My emotions tend to blow things out of proportion; it seems so big in my life when in reality, life just keeps going. The sun keeps rising, the world keeps turning.


A little over a month ago, I made a doctor's appointment after noticing some vision loss. One doctor's visit turned into four more; appointments with specialists were made and questions were left unanswered. And of course, my worries were at an all time high. There were lots of tests, tons of waiting, and finally, the answers came. Without getting too medical on you, the pressure of the fluid in my brain is elevated and has been causing a "false tumor" in my brain, resulting in headaches and swelling around my optic nerves. Knowing what it is comforts me, but the diagnosis in general is terrifying. 

The kicker? They aren't sure what causes it. It's idiopathic in nature. But they do know it's more prevalent in overweight women. It becomes a new ballgame when you hear from a doctor that the pounds you've packed on may be contributing to your vision loss. I had a spinal tap for an official diagnosis, and that led to a spinal headache for almost a week. It was one thing after another, and all I felt was broken and defeated

See where the pity party comes into affect? It's been hard to battle all of that without letting my emotions or attitude get tangled up in it. I think that just makes me human, but it hurts either way. I was quick to ask God "why?" instead of thanking Him for it not being more serious. That should've been my first response. This rut isn't going to defeat me. It's out of my hands and into God's. Why am I so slow to do that in the first place? I am nothing on my own.

Hearing that my weight was contributing to my issue put me back into a terrible, uncomfortable, vulnerable place. My biggest, most gut-wrenching struggle just took over my life once again. It's a daily debacle--something that I have to wake up and face every day. 

Out goes the vanity and selfishness of weight loss--this is more than hitting a certain number on the scale or fitting into a smaller size. It's about me not losing my vision. It's about me not living with headaches on a daily basis. It's about getting to a healthy weight so getting pregnant is in the near future--because right now, it's not. But then again, that's another post for another day. Maybe that's what I needed all along, a bigger reason to realize how important my health is.

So here I am at the point when I need to get over myself and my own worries and realize there really is a bigger picture. Sometimes, we try to write our story when we're right in the middle of it, and that's pretty much impossible. The middle isn't the best place to be--it's lonely and discouraging and heartbreaking at times, but it's the only way to get to the ending. The beautiful, fantastic ending.

That's all I'm looking for, after all. A good story, a life worth retelling and remembering. And a good story has ups and downs, twists and turns. The Lord knows what He's doing and I'm canceling my pity party and trusting Him as the author of my story. My story may be hard and painful right now, but I'm trusting in the hope that the next chapter will be beautiful and that makes it all worthwhile. 

So even on those days when all I feel is broken, I'm remembering that sometimes the Lord breaks us in order to rebuild us; His picture of the gospel becomes so much more clear to me when all I want is a fresh start, a new story, a rebirth. He's creating a new life with me, rebuilding me to be stronger, more beautiful. This is just a season, and the beauty of that is that a season will always come to an end. Here's to hoping that the next season of life is a little more beautiful and a little less broken.

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