The other day, I was cleaning out a box of junk and came across one of my old journals from my freshman year of college. It's hard for me to remember the Rachel from back then, because it was so long ago. She seems like a different person than the person I am now...I feel as if I'm reading a letter written by a stranger instead of myself.
There were a lot of excerpts talking about my experiences in the dorm, how my classes were going, the new friends I had met, you know, the usual stuff. Then I came across a prayer that I written down, pleading for God to send me someone to love me.
The desperation in my writing was completely obvious and completely heartbreaking--I was 18 years old and had never really had a serious boyfriend, just a few dates here and there. Going off to college was a different world--guys and girls were constantly intermingled and my friends were going on dates left and right, and there I was, still single and still alone.
All I wanted was to be loved by someone.
It took me back to a place of insecurity. A place that's so easy to remember.
If I could tell my 18-year old-self anything, I'd tell her to be patient. Even through all the heartache, God had a plan for me all along. And even though, deep down, I knew that, I should've tried a little harder to really believe that. And I should've trusted in Him more.
If I could tell her anything, I'd tell her to enjoy my friends a little more. Say yes to more plans. Studying isn't always the most important thing. Those girls that you are spending time with will still be your best friends almost a decade later. Those relationships matter, too.
If I could tell her anything, I'd laugh and tell her, "you'll never believe me, but you've already met the man you're going to marry."
If I could tell her anything, I'd tell her that she is beautiful and fun and smart, even though she doesn't have a boyfriend. Guys don't define who you are, I know that now; but back then, it was all that mattered.
If I could tell her anything, I'd make sure she knows that happiness is ahead.
If I could tell her anything, I'd tell her that even at 26, life will still be confusing and you'll still have doubts and struggles, but life will be beautiful, too. Xoxo