I sat in the floor of my closet and just cried. My husband probably thought I was crazy, mascara-streaked cheeks, sobs, and all. We had plans to go watch Ole Miss play baseball then out with some friends. I probably tried on 9 different outfits in the process of getting ready, and nothing fit. My fat jeans are too tight, none of my dresses fit me anymore, and all of my blouses hug me in places I don't want to be hugged. I couldn't find the right tank top to wear with the one top that fit, so I just had a melt down and put my pajamas on.
It was a brutal, yet necessary, wake up call.
If you're new over here, you don't know the struggle I've had with my weight. I've been anywhere from 158 pounds to 245 in the past 4 years, and it's a constant battle. If you want to check it out, go visit this link. It'll give you a glimpse into my story, at least up until last spring! I don't know how to maintain. I yo-yo back and forth, up and down, and never have a steady weight.
I was talking to a friend on Saturday and asking her to pray for me--she knows what I'm going through and she's the person I text when I'm struggling, when I've had a bad day, or when I want to binge. She encouraged me to just confront the facts--admit to myself that I've hit a low point and face it head on. My response was that I was just purely embarrassed over it...how in the world could I write about it or put it out there when it was so shameful?
She said, "Claim it. Claim your embarrassment. It loses its power when you say it, and so does Satan."
How right she was.
The shame I feel is something I've created for myself--that shame overtakes me often and I struggle with trying not to let that control me.
I'm an emotional eater. I always have been and I always will be. I'm either obsessing over dieting or working out to the point of being a little neurotic, or I'm bingeing on food. Yes, I'm a binger. I don't think I've ever admitted that out loud, either. Not many people know that--when I've had a bad day, when I'm upset, when I'm stressed--I don't turn to alcohol, working out, etc...I eat.
When I hit rock bottom (and the bottom of my closet), I realized that something had to change. I don't really know where to begin again, except for back at the beginning.
After 3 months of marriage, I've gained some weight. Shocker, I know. So cliche of me, right? I haven't weighed lately, but I can tell I'm in a new weight range that I haven't seen in a long time, and I don't like it. I'm getting flab in places I've never had it before. Today is a new day, and I don't want to look in the mirror and see this girl anymore. Not because of her weight, but because I know she's not healthy and isn't happy like this. This is the happiest time of my life--I'm married to the man of my dreams and we live in a gorgeous house and I have a great job...I shouldn't be unhappy over the one factor in my life that I have the ability to change. I had a post with pictures of me at different weights, where I've been and where I want to be again, but this is so much more than that--it's not about a number on the scale, it's about me finding my happiness within myself and learning to be content with my body.
At this point in my life, my struggles go so much farther than just me.
It's easy enough for me to talk about this and type it all out, but it's a different thing for me to get off this couch and do it. I need to stop being so drastic about my weight loss. This isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. I've spent my life losing (and gaining) weight for something--for a wedding, for a beach vacation, for engagement photos, etc. I need to stop living my life in that mode--I can't keep doing this to myself, because it's not healthy on my body OR my mind.
Oh, the struggle. I know there are plenty of you reading who understand what I'm going through. And I'm sure some of you reading have heard this story before and are sick of my ups and downs, but that's part of me, and that's what this blog is about--you can just click away if you need to; if it's too many words or the same old story again. This is me.
I'm not asking for sympathy and I'm not asking for you to fix it--I just need to get this out there. It becomes all the more real when I've written it down and shared it with you; even though it makes me so vulnerable, it tends to change something inside of me. So here I am, out there in the open.
So, this is where I am in my journey right now. I need to learn that I have no deadline; this is a marathon, not a sprint. My mindset has been so consumed with "I have to lose X amount before X event," and that's a bad place to be in.
Today is a new day, and I'm claiming that.